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I can’t get myself to go to bed early or at a decent time on these summer nights. Especially not tonight after watching the finale of Breaking Bad. AHH. So bittersweet that it’s over. Amazing show.
I can’t get myself to blog enough. It only reminded me after seeing a new blog post posted by my roommate. Sometimes I try to avoid blogging because it makes me come to terms with my emotions and thoughts. The emotions that I like to suppress and rather move forward. It’s strange because I used to journal a lot. I wrote when I was in elementary school and high school. I re-read these words from years ago and it makes me feel funny. I feel embarrassed, happy, and sad reading them. I’m sure some people choose not to read their past entries, but how can someone resist? These were the current states and stories that you will never get back. It might make you cringe but they are a part of who you are. These journals are my time machines. As soon as you open them, you get sucked in. It makes you remember. And it makes you want to forget. Now I haven’t read those journals tonight, but I have read them once in awhile, only when I really want to. But I prefer not to. Not because they are bad memories but because it makes you feel something you might have long forgotten. There are pieces that make you feel nostalgic, like a favorite show that ended a long time ago. The things I wrote involve people that are still in my life or have left…either one, I loved them both. I am grateful for such memories and even more so grateful for the ones who stayed with me. It’s a blessing really, to still have people you knew from when you were younger. As they say, “The older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.”

I got out of that journaling phase because as I got older, it made me feel like I needed to write something good. Something formal or accurate to look back on. And this defeated the purpose of writing out my natural emotions. I guess it wasn’t as simple as it was writing in my diary in elementary school. But I know I can go back to my blogging every once in awhile, to carve out something, maybe anything. When I’m not being creative with my photographing, I like to be creative with my writing.
Because writing is such a powerful and dramatic tool. It creates and makes you feel. It can be so freeing yet dangerous. The moment you pick up a pen or start typing on the keyboard, you enter a whole new world of yourself.

You get my drift?

If only being cynical and being strong were the same thing! The storm can have its underlying beauty, can’t it? And you learn that the beauty isn’t shown until the storm’s ultimate breakthrough.

Balance

A piece I wrote last July. It reminds me that I should find more time to write

Among the city’s heavy smog and flashing lights
I move in slow motion
paralyzed by its heaviness
The waves of silence
and static talk over me
I stand where this world does not satisfy
He paints a variety of worlds
in which one’s heart can be discovered
These realms unlock the doors to the colors of expression
Green sings
Blue paints
Orange talks
Red runs
Purple reads
I feel it all
when the ink of my pen flows across the page
I smile dreaming of the words that nobody else could have ever known
but me
The pens and paper sitting on my bed
learned about the times where I laughed and cried
The typewriter sitting in the corner of my room
listened when nobody else would
I love
and I lose
But to write
balances the chaos of the world
and of my heart
A little more

Agape

By Bear’s Den

I’m not sure how anyone could not like this song.

I haven’t decided yet

I wanted to write tonight. I told myself I would go to bed early tonight. It is nearly almost 2 a.m. and I wasn’t ready for the day to be over yet. It’s a bit too late for that. I thought I’d take a stab at writing. Writing something. I can’t decide. Here goes.

I find my palms sweating in the lack of heat
This time difficult to lose myself in the beat
I can’t blink enough to gain such mentality,
nor stare long enough into reality
I photograph scenarios to keep my feet busy
The raw colors make my head feel dizzy
I mix water and oil to find some sort of sign
I find confusion in drawing its line
If this all becomes blurry, around and above
I hope you find it to be at least one thing you’re sure of

Walk on By

Noosa

Sitting alone on my bed and blogging again…what a familiar feeling. Yep, I’m back home again. Winter break came in a flash. I realize this is the first time I have blogged since the summer. I’m rolling my eyes just thinking of this past summer. Home reminds me of my old ways, but it also reminds me of the new lens that I retrieve in the California world every time I come back. It’s all such an adventure and a hectic feeling living in two different worlds. I used to say, “It’s like everything has changed, but yet, nothing really changed at all.” But maybe, I’m starting to think it’s one or the other. Everything has changed. Or maybe, nothing really changed at all. But how can nothing change? So it has to be the first option. Change is the only constant thing. However, despite the chaos, I manage to find my one and only balance in photography. It is my resort of comfort, solitude, and energy. It is my only constant. After applying my photography to a new LA magazine called Darling and having it accepted, it was really a big encouragement. It was the refuel I needed after praying and praying for photo opportunities to come up. One amazing thing about break is being able to get in touch with my inner creativity again. It is one form of expression I am most capable of…after all, my area of communication and relationships could use a little work. Anyway, I could blog about how my semester was and a recap of all the beautiful and tragic things that happened to me…but I’d rather keep it simple this time. Who wants to hear about that, anyway? I am thankful for many of the encounters and things I have learned this year. Although, I will be tempted to scamper back to this post and add more details (probably irrelevant and unimportant) , I promise not to. I think it’s time I learn to leave things the way they are. With my consistent overflowing thoughts, complex feelings, and impulses, it is a sure struggle. So for now, I will distract myself with music and Facebook. And over the course of this needed break, I am very much looking forward to days of sleeping in, waking up to snow, catching up on shows, and reliving moments with old friends.